There is one thing no one can deny about Nikos Christodoulides. The man knows how to set the bar high. So high, in fact, that we may soon need permission from Civil Aviation just to clear it.
The president has little interest in modest objectives. He is not the type to promise a new pavement, a repaired pothole or even a few bollards outside the Presidential Palace. Such things are for governments with limited ambitions. Here we are dealing with visions that begin in Brussels, pass through the World Cup, stop briefly in Agridia, the little Paris of Cyprus, and eventually arrive on Mars.
The latest achievement, we were informed, was the greatest EU presidency in the history of the European Union.
Not merely good. Not even excellent. The best ever.
Since the founding of the EU, previous presidencies were apparently little more than test runs. Europe had been patiently waiting for Cyprus to demonstrate how the job should really be done.
Indeed, it was even better than Cyprus' own 2012 presidency under Demetris Christofias and Andreas Mavroyiannis. Back then, Christodoulides was merely the presidency's spokesman, so naturally it struggled to compete with the version overseen by Christodoulides as President of the Republic and, effectively, of all Cyprus.
It is said that European leaders in Brussels rose to their feet and applauded for 15 consecutive minutes. The longest standing ovation ever. More emotional leaders reportedly embraced one another while whispering: "At last, we have found the country that will take us sky high."
The applause was so intense that Ursula von der Leyen's and António Costa's hands turned red and glossy like trays of Constantinopolitan baklava.
For the first time, the president reminded us, Cyprus hosted a summit of European leaders. That alone proves the country has reached a new level.
Until now visitors came for sunshine, beaches, halloumi and romance. Now they come for geopolitics.
Tomorrow they may arrive seeking advice on global governance. The day after, the United Nations headquarters may temporarily relocate to Nicosia while renovation works are completed in New York and Geneva.
The drone
Of course, Cyprus' transformation did not begin with the EU presidency.
It started with the drone that fell from the sky and landed on a corrugated-metal structure inside the British Bases.
What followed was historic.
For the first time, planes and ships arrived from Europe to save us. The mobilisation was so impressive that had a second drone struck another shed, NATO might well have activated Article 5.
As everyone now understands, Cyprus is no longer a small country on the edge of the Eastern Mediterranean.
It is an aircraft carrier of stability, a beacon of Europe, the centre of the world and, with sufficient imagination, an entire solar system.
More is still to come because Nikos Christodoulides thinks like an eagle. An eagle with wings.
The next objective, therefore, could never be something humble, such as a European backgammon championship.
We will host a World Cup.
Just as the United States, Mexico and Canada did. Just as Spain, Portugal and Morocco will.
We will organise ours together with Egypt, Lebanon and Israel, provided of course there is an airport still standing in the region by then and supporters can travel without anti-aircraft cover.
Benjamin Netanyahu will also need to resolve his outstanding issues with Hamas, Hezbollah and the Houthis so he can devote proper attention to television rights.
The plan is simple.
The final will take place at the GSP stadium after it has been expanded all the way to Athalassa to accommodate 120,000 spectators.
The semi-finals will be held in Cairo and Tel Aviv.
The third-place playoff will take place in Beirut, courtesy of Cypriot diplomacy.
Transport for supporters will be provided by new sea taxis departing from Larnaca, stopping in Haifa and arriving in Alexandria. Unless there is a westerly wind, in which case they will end up in Protaras.
In Agridia
The president's ambitions do not end with football.
A new spaceport is reportedly planned near the observatory in Agridia, from where flights to the Moon and Mars will commence.
The location was chosen carefully. The Moon appears closer from there, meaning substantial fuel savings.
The altitude also gives spacecraft a useful head start against gravity.
The president has already appointed Fidias Panayiotou ambassador for space affairs and tasked him with approaching his friend Elon Musk regarding the construction of Cyprus' first spacecraft.
The name remains under discussion.
Current suggestions include Apollo Halloumas, Starship Koupepia and Zenon 1.
The crew will consist of two astronauts, one government spokesman and three communications advisers so that, should the mission disappear into deep space, it can still be presented as a historic success.
And some smaller projects
Every great power requires preparation.
Following a special meeting in Geroskipou attended by the president and government spokesman Konstantinos Letymbiotis, working groups have reportedly been established to break every conceivable Guinness World Record.
The philosophy is straightforward. Before conquering space, Cyprus must first capture the imagination of the world's food lovers.
The first objective is the world's longest shoushouko.
It will begin in Sotira, pass through Oroklini and end in Geroskipou, where the president will ceremonially cut it.
The second objective is the world's largest katimeri, measuring 80 metres in diameter. It will be spread across Eleftheria Square and turned using a crane because no frying pan of the required size exists.
This will be followed by a global competition for the fastest shaking of a carob tree loaded with carobs.
A special scientific committee will oversee the effort. Members will include agronomists, engineers, one former mukhtar and two uncles who "know about these things."
There will also be attempts to consume 100 loukoumades in record time and five kilograms of kleftiko without water.
The successful participant will receive a Medal of Distinguished Service and a family-sized supply of antacids.
The programme also includes the world's largest lountza, the longest posyrti dance and the heaviest wine-marinated sausage.
The lountza will be exhibited at the Presidential Palace.
The posyrti will symbolically link the government-controlled areas to Apostolos Andreas.
The sausage will serve as an alternative natural gas pipeline if required.
And so Cyprus will finally secure its place on the world map.
It will become the country of records, summits, World Cups and space missions.
Millions of tourists will arrive to photograph the giant shoushouko, visit the spaceport and watch the first Cypriot launched towards Mars while holding a sheftalia.
At that point, nobody will be able to say that Nikos Christodoulides failed to set the bar high.
The only problem is that, at its current rate of ascent, the bar will soon be on the Moon.
Fortunately, by then there will be a direct flight from Agridia.
