One thing nobody can dispute about Nikos Christodoulides. The man knows how to set the bar high. So high, in fact, that soon we will need a permit from Civil Aviation to get over it.
The President does not stoop to small goals. He is not a man to tell you "we will build a pavement" or "we will fill in a pothole" or, at any rate, "we will put bollards outside the Presidential Palace". Those are for governments of limited capabilities and horizons. Here we are talking about visions that begin in Brussels, pass through the World Cup, make a brief stop at little Paris, that is to say Agridia, and end up on planet Mars.
The latest success was, as we were informed, the best presidency of the European Union ever held. Not merely good. Not very good. The best. Since the founding of the European Union, the previous presidencies were, evidently, something like pilot episodes. Europe was waiting for Cyprus to see how the job is done properly. It was, indeed, far better even than the one we held as Cyprus in 2012 under Christofias and Mavroyiannis. Back then the presidency's spokesman was Christodoulides, so it merely scraped by compared with the one we held the other day while he was President of the Republic of Cyprus and of All Cyprus.
It is even said that in Brussels the European leaders rose to their feet and applauded for fifteen minutes (the longest standing ovation ever), while some of the more easily moved embraced one another whispering: "At last, the country that will take us sky high has been found." From all the clapping, we saw that the hands of von der Leyen and Costa turned red and syrupy, rather like Constantinople baklava.
For the first time, the President told us, a Summit of European leaders was held in Cyprus. That alone is enough for one to understand that this land has changed level. Until now foreigners came for the sun, a little wine, a little sea, a little halloumi... and my boy. Now they also come for geopolitics. Tomorrow they may come to seek advice on global governance, and the day after it is not out of the question that the UN headquarters will be temporarily relocated to Nicosia, until some works are finished in New York and Geneva.
The drone
Of course, the epoch-making events for Cyprus did not arrive only with the EU presidency. They began when the drone came down on us out of the sky and fell on a tin shack in the British Bases. What followed? For the first time, planes and ships arrived from Europe to save us. The mobilisation was such that, had a second drone fallen on a shed, Article 5 of NATO would probably have been activated.
As everyone understands, Cyprus is no longer a small country on the edge of the Eastern Mediterranean. It is the aircraft carrier of stability, the lighthouse of Europe, the centre of the world and, with a little goodwill, it reflects an entire solar system.
More is to follow, because Nikos Christodoulides thinks like an eagle, and with wings at that. So the next goal could not be something humble, like a European backgammon championship. We will organise a World Cup. As the United States, Mexico and Canada did. As Spain, Portugal and Morocco will do. We will do it with Egypt, Lebanon and Israel, on the condition, of course, that by then a single airport is left standing in the region and that fans can travel without anti-aircraft escort. Bibi will also need to have wrapped up his pending business with Hamas, Hezbollah and the Houthis, so that he can devote himself undistracted to the television rights.
The plan is simple. The final will be held at the GSP, once it is first extended to Athalassa to hold 120,000 spectators. The semi-finals will take place in Cairo and Tel Aviv, while the third-place match will be staged in Beirut, under the kind sponsorship of Cypriot diplomacy.
For the fans' transport, the new sea taxis will be used, departing from Larnaca, passing through Haifa and ending in Alexandria. Unless a westerly wind is blowing, in which case they will terminate at Protaras.
In Agridia
But the President's ambitions are not exhausted by football. In Troodos, next to the observatory at Agridia, a new cosmodrome is being prepared for the launch of flights to the Moon and Mars. The choice of location is no accident. From there the moon looks closer, so fuel is saved. Moreover, the altitude helps the spacecraft start with a small head start against gravity.
The President has already anointed Fidias Panayiotou Ambassador of Space and tasked him with opening contacts with his friend, Elon Musk, for the construction of the first Cypriot spacecraft.
The name is still under consideration. Among the proposals are "Apollo Challoumas", "Starship Koupepia" and "Zenon 1". The crew will consist of two astronauts, one government spokesman and three communications advisers, so that, should the mission be lost in Space, it can at least be presented as a historic success.
And small projects
But since every great power needs training, it was decided to start with smaller, more manageable projects. Following a special meeting in Geroskipou, in the presence of the President and government spokesman Konstantinos Letymbiotis, working groups were set up for the breaking of all Guinness records.
The philosophy is simple: before we conquer Space, we must become known to the broad masses of the planet by tickling the curiosity of all the gluttons.
The first goal is the construction of the longest shoushoukos in the world. It will start from Sotira, pass through Oroklini and end in Geroskipou, where it will be ceremonially cut by the President. The second goal, the largest kattimeri, 80 metres in diameter, which will be spread across Eleftheria Square and flipped by crane, since no frying pan of such size exists.
There follows a world competition for the fastest beating of a carob tree laden with carobs. For the undertaking, a special scientific committee will be formed of agronomists, engineers, one former community leader and two uncles who "know about these things".
In parallel, an attempt will be made to swallow one hundred loukoumades in record time, as well as to devour five kilos of kleftiko without water. The athlete who achieves it will be honoured with the Medal of Distinguished Service and a family pack of antacids.
The programme also includes the largest lountza, the longest posyrti and the heaviest wine sausage. The lountza will be exhibited at the Presidential Palace, the posyrti will symbolically link the free areas with Apostolos Andreas, and the sausage will be used, in case of need, as an alternative natural gas pipeline.
Somehow like this, Cyprus will finally be put on the world map. It will become the country of records, of summits, of World Cups and of space missions. Millions of tourists will flock to be photographed next to the shoushoukos, to see the cosmodrome and to watch the first Cypriot blast off towards Mars clutching a sheftalia.
And then nobody will be able to say that Nikos Christodoulides did not set the bar high. The only problem is that, the way it keeps rising, the bar will soon be on the Moon.
Fortunately, by then we will have a direct flight from Agridia.
